What women want: "Don’t be an asshole and wash your asshole." It’s that simple! We’ll let Carly Aquilino and Jessimae Peluso fill you in on the rest.
We tapped the two comediennes—performing together on Saturday as part of the New York Comedy Festival a.k.a.
When they’re like, "Hi, your hair looks good today." "Hi, I like those shoes." But then they also might be gay, but—it doesn’t matter. Because when you try, you end up looking like a fool, and we both feel awkward, and now I have to tell you to walk away.
I’m keeping the cocktail that you bought me, but you need to walk away.
Jessimae: If there are accessories in your cocktail, I’m probably going to walk away.
If there’s just like a fruit arrangement, an edible arrangement, outside your cocktail, I’m just going to walk away.
It’s hot when a dude, for some reason, knows about wine. Put away your smelly boxing gloves, your dirty shorts, and the cheese that’s crushed into your counter from two weeks ago when you and your boys went out drinking until five o’clock in the morning. If you’re having a girl over the house for the first time, make sure your toilet is clean, not disgusting.
Guys’ bathrooms are always the most disgusting thing. Plan a surprise and be like, "Hey, I wanted you to think I forgot your birthday, but we’re going away on vacation!
" Sorry—can I just tell you guys what’s happening right now?
I’m sitting in the car in this parking lot in the middle of New Jersey, and some guy’s trying to sell my dad a rap CD, and it’s the funniest thing that’s ever happened, and he didn’t want to interrupt, so now he got out of the car and now he’s talking to the rapper.
My dad’s like, "I don’t like rap music," and the guy’s like, "No, but your daughter looks like she likes rap music." And he’s like, "That is true.